First they came for the Muslims, and I didn’t speak out…
PUBLIC HEARING MINUTES—THE EXTENT OF RADICALIZATION IN THE AMERICAN MUSLIM COMMUNITY AND THAT COMMUNITY’S RESPONSE—
5 MARCH 2011
—PROCEEDINGS OF THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON HOMELAND SECURITY—1st SESSION—
Rep. Peter King (R-NY): Ladies and Gentlemen, I call to order the House Committee on Homeland Security (or NAMBLA). Our purpose today is to root out unpatriotic, jihad-supporting behaviour amidst the Muslim community residing in these United States. There are an estimated 7 million Muslims in America today. To put that in perspective: 9-11.
Rep. Marjorie P. Fudgechasm (R-AL): This Committee recognizes Sayyid Talabani. Mr. Talabani, please raise your right hand—that’s your detonator hand—and repeat after me: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. In this case we mean the real one.
Mr. Sayyid Talabani: What? I…uh…I do.
Rep. King: Good morning Mr. Talabani, thank you for joining us.
Mr. Talabani: I didn’t have a choice.
Rep. King: Before we begin, I couldn’t help but notice your family name. Talabani…that’s interesting. How exactly do you pronounce that?
Mr. Talabani: Talabani.
Rep. King: Talabani. Right. Good. Ok. Thank you. Emphasis on the first few syllables, or…?
Mr. Talabani: Generally on the third syllable. It was my father’s name, and my grandfather’s name. It’s quite common throughout the Middle East, and it has nothing to do with—
Rep. King: Quite right. Mr. Talabani, could you please state your age, occupation, and place of residence.
Mr. Talabani: I am 20 years old, and I am a junior sales representative for a major baked goods distributor—dealing pretty much exclusively in, ah, apple pies—based out of Salem, Massachusetts.
Rep. Fudgechasm: Well that’s irony writ large.
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, as a member of the Muslim-American community, and as a working professional who has direct access to our nation’s food supply…[extended silence]…how would you rate your—[expletive] Sorry, sorry…I’m having trouble here with my flag pin. The backing fell off. Ok, this won’t stay on. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am forced to call a recess.
—RECESS OF SESSION 09:50 EST—
—RESUMPTION OF SESSION 11:58 EST—
Rep. Fudgechasm: Before we re-commence our testimony, I would like to very briefly call an expert witness to clarify a point that was made by the Chair earlier today in his opening statement. Mr. Chairman, I call Mr. Rudolph Giuliani. Mr. Giuliani, would you say: 9-11?
Mr. Rudolph Giuliani: I would.
Rep. Fudgechasm: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani. Mr. Chairman, you may proceed.
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, were you aware that on 29 August 2004, Shahawar Matin Siraj and James Elshafay planned to detonate an explosive device on the New York subway system?
Mr. Talabani: I can’t say I recall that, no. I mean, I’ve probably since heard mention of it somewhere, I’m sure I’ve probably heard it discus—
Rep. King: As in, discussed through a network? A clandestine network of Muslim-Americans?
Mr. Talabani: Well no…I mean that in my community, generall—
Rep. King: To which community do you refer? Where are you from originally, Mr. Talabani?
Mr. Talabani: I grew up in Spokane, Washington.
Rep. King: Right. But you weren’t born there?
Mr. Talabani: No. That’s true.
Rep. King: Indeed.
Mr. Talabani: I was born in Seattle.
Rep. King: But your parents—they weren’t born in Seattle, were they?
Mr. Talabani: No, they are from Minnesota.
Rep. King: Although they weren’t born in Minnesota?
Mr. Talabani: No, that’s true; they were both born and raised in Chicago.
Rep. King: But THEIR parents weren’t born in Chicago, were they?
Mr. Talabani: They grew up in rural Illinois, where they were born.
Rep. King: But your grandparents’ PARENTS weren’t born in Illinois, correct?
Mr. Talabani: Correct. They were born in Lebanon.
Rep. King: Aha.
Mr. Talabani: Lebanon, New Jersey.
Rep. King: …but THEIR parents weren’t born in New Jersey?
Mr. Talabani: No, they were born in what is present-day Pakistan.
Rep. Fudgechasm: And there we have it.
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, as a self-described Pakistani national, do you feel that you did enough to try and prevent Mr. Siraj and Mr. Elshafay from attempting to detonate their terror-bomb in the New York subway system on 29 August 2004?
Mr. Talabani: Um…what? I don’t understand? Why are—
Rep. King: I remind you, sir, that you are under oath. I’ll ask you again: do you feel that you did enough to try and prevent Misters Siraj and Elshafay from committing an act of terrorism against these United States on 29 August 2004, yes or no?
Mr. Talabani: I’m sorry, but I don’t understand your question. I didn’t even know a plot was going on. And what could I have done to prevent it even if I had?
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, is it or is it not true that part of the job description of a junior sales representative is to be very persuasive in selling one’s product or point of view? Mr. Talabani?
Mr. Talabani: Well I, ah, I guess, but—
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, if need be, I am prepared to call Ms. Kelly Jones, one of your co-workers at USA Apple Pie Distribution Inc., who is prepared to testify that you are indeed a very persuasive person.
Mr. Talabani: Mr. Chairman, I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I was only 12 years old in August 2004. How could a 12-year-old have persuaded terrorists not to—
Rep. Fudgechasm: Mr. Chairman, I call Mrs. Dorothy Sanderson to offer expert testimony.
Rep. King: I’ll allow it.
Rep. Fudgechasm: Mrs. Sanderson, you were Mr. Talabani’s 6th Grade English teacher in Spokane, is that correct?
Mrs. Dorothy Sanderson: I was.
Rep. Fudgechasm: And would you say that during his time in your class he demonstrated an aptitude for persuasiveness?
Mrs. Sanderson: Well now, let me see… When Sayyid wanted the green crayons, he certainly knew how to get them.
Rep. Fudgechasm: Thank you, Mrs. Sanderson, you may step down.
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani? Your response? Are you calling Mrs. Sanderson a liar?
Mr. Talabani: Of course…of course not. But this is absurd. It…it…doesn’t even matter if I am a persuasive person, or if I was persuasive when I was…12 years old!? I mean I lived in Spokane! How was a 12-year-old supposed to get all the way to New York City and persuade terrorists he didn’t know not to—
Rep. King: The FBI reported that in the 10-hour period before the attempted bombing, there was significant chatter detected on the grid. Once again, sir, in retrospect: do you feel that you did enough to try to prevent this bombing plot from taking place?
Mr. Talabani: It was thousands of miles away! I was 12 years old!? And what…in like, in under 10 hours you expected me to—
Rep. Fudgechasm: Mr. Chairman, I would like to call to the stand Mr. Christopher Lackman, Air Traffic Controller at Sea-Tac International Airport.
Rep. King: Mr. Lackman, was there or was there not a flight to LaGuardia that left Seattle at exactly 06:55 PST on 29 August 2004?
Mr. Christopher Lackman: Yes, there was.
Rep. King: Thank you, Mr. Lackman, you are excused. Mr. Talabani?
Mr. Talabani: This is absurd!
Rep. Fudgechasm: The witness is out of order.
Rep. King: Mr. Talabani, one final question: could you please direct this Committee to the part of the the Qur’an that deals with adherence to the Constitution of the United States of America?
Mr. Talabani: This is insane, the United States didn’t even exist at—
Rep. Fudgechasm: I declare this witness to be in contempt.
Rep. King: This hearing is adjourned. May God Bless America.
Rick Largesse writes for no one and has no impressive resume. He lives in Ottawa with his dog Richard.
